adding Corey Gray to my list of potential husbands.
dear papa,
you’re really gone, arnt you? its been only a week but its really starting to hit me now. i couldnt accept it at first. i just told myself you’re still here. that the cancer wasnt real. i told myself you’re probably tanning out in your backyard or sitting on your rocking chair watching the ships come in on the ocean. but i know that its not true. i know you’re not going to be able to do that ever again. you suffered too much and you didnt deserve to. i was your first granddaughter and you were practically like a father to me growing up because my dad was never there. you always spoiled me. i remember a few times i went with you to the bakery to buy some bread for nana, and that time you took me out to mcdonalds because you wanted their food, and i could never forget when you took me and nana to the brown jug because you loved the pizza there, or that time you took me and vanessa to the beach to see the sand castles. there is a lot i remember, papa. a lot i hope to never forget. all i have left of you now are pictures and memories. you always did everything your way and you always made sure everybody was alright. you always stood tall and never gave up on any task. i know it hurt you in the end when you couldnt do things on your own anymore. you were never one to ask for help but you knew you had to. you were a great man who lived a short life. 68 is way too young. your birthday is in a few weeks. i promise you ill play happy birthday for you on my piano. i know you didnt want anyone to be sad. no tears, you said. and i tried very very hard. the last week you were alive for, mom texted me and said “papa is fighting me and kerry. i think he’s waiting to see you and your sister before he dies”. its something i didnt want to hear but i had some feeling she was right. so friday, april 13th, me and vanessa went up to see you. i know you said you didnt want any of your grandchildren to see you like that but i just felt like i had to. you were bad, papa. you were all skin and bones. you had no hair, you couldnt speak anymore, your eyes were rolling into the back of your head. i sat down next to you and just looked at you. i didnt know what to do. i just started to cry and tried to tell myself that you werent dying. my mom said “hey dad, marissa is here to see you” and you made a noise and lifted your hand. you knew i was there. i grabbed your finger and said hi to you. i said “i love you papa. and ill see you later”. i gave you a kiss on the forehead and walked out of the room. about 4 hours later, auntie patty called me and told me that you had passed away. mom was right. you were waiting to see us. and im glad i got to say goodbye to you. but i just wish this were all a horrible nightmare and i will wake up soon. everybody thinks im okay and im dealing with it nicely. but ive always been so good at hiding my emotions that ive learned to cope with things. but when im alone or trying to sleep at night, you’re all i think about. there will probably never be a day that goes by that i wont think about you. i know you’re watching over me and you’re helping me each and every day with my struggles. im going to graduate for you. im going to be the best i can be at everything i do. i promise you papa. i wont let you down. i hope you’re having fun up there with your brothers. have a nice beer and relax. when my life is all over, ill see you again. and dont worry about nana. she’ll be okay. i know she was your main concern. but we’re all here for her and she’ll be taken care of, i promise. take care papa, and i hope to see you again someday. goodbye, ill always love you.
love, your granddaughter marissa
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